10 Things Mothers of young children should avoid having, wearing or using.

1. Earrings.
When you have small children, earrings go from being objects of beauty to being implements of torture. Try nursing or bottle feeding a “grabby” baby whilst wearing dangly earrings and you’ll soon come to learn how sensitive ear-lobes actually are.
2. Necklaces
In theory, necklaces can be a great diversion for babies, especially ones with big chunky beads that can be used as a toy or even a teething ring. The problem with necklaces arrises when they’re used as a tool of strangulation by an overly excited child. Urgh. I’m getting flashbacks of a particularly violent rendition of “Horsey Horsey” which didn’t end well for my neck.
3. White or cream clothing.
Any self respecting mother learns this lesson either on day one of weaning or during their child’s first “bright green” snot cold. Why is it so green anyway?
4. Black tops or jackets.
Baby vomit is white and shows up with a lumpy luminescence like nothing else. If you happen to be a working mum, then not only do you have to bear the guilt of leaving your baby with someone else, you also have to bear the shame of turning up to work with a stream of sick down your back. Not very corporate. If you happen to not be a working mum, you just look like a crusty because you’re not wearing smart clothes and you probably smell.
5. Glasses.
Unless of course you enjoy trying to see through a fog of tiny, grimy, probably snotty fingerprints.
6. A nice leather handbag.
I loved you my Bayswater. Darn you to heck you leaky water-bottle!
7. High heels.
I recently bought some high heeled boots, thinking, in a moment of sleep deprived foolishness, that I might occasionally add a little glamour to my daily school run (I know, I know). Have I worn them 3 months on? Of course I haven’t. I have to run to school every morning because I live just around the corner and therefore think I’ve got plenty of time, every morning. EVERY MORNING. Add to this the fact that my body has been so fundamentally ruined by childbearing, that I can’t really walk in high heels anymore and I think my lovely boots are destined to remain in the shoe cupboard forever. Shame.
8. Lipstick.
Let’s just say that The Joker’s lipstick looks neat compared to mine since Izzy decided that grabbing my mouth is the best way to enhance her breastfeeding experience.
9. Scarves.
Although scarves are useful when you want to breast-feed your baby discretely, they turn into poo-magnets if worn whilst changing an angry baby’s nappy. I speak from experience.
10. Dignity.
It leaves during labour and never returns. Move on.

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